Q&A: Relationship Virgin

Question: “I’m in my 20’s and I have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend in my life. I want one. Is there something wrong with me? Help!”

Answer: What a loaded question. However, don’t fret. It’s a common one. I have a few friends that are in this situation and we discuss often. I decided I would write this to share to the world some of the things I’ve shared with my friends. This may also apply to those single/looking.

Before anything…No. There is nothing wrong with you. There may be, however, something up with what you are doing (or not doing.) Time to evaluate.

FIRST – Consider very carefully your reasons for wanting to be in a relationship right now. What’s nice about never having been in one is that, if you don’t know what you’re missing, it’s hard to miss it. This means you’re longing for the stuff you see on TV and in movies. I hate to break it to you, Hollywood is different from real life, after the credits roll, relationships are rollercoasters of emotion. So, don’t get into one just for the sake of it. Maybe you’re not in a relationship because you’re not ready.  The pressures and commitments of a relationship will seriously take away from other things you have going on.

However you might say “okay Jules that’s great, I know already that but I REALLY WANT A BOYFRIEND or I REALLY WANT A GIRLFRIEND” then..

SECOND – Make changes. I’m serious. Make changes. Yes, to a degree, the right person will love you for you. However, you have to attract them first for them to “love you for you.”

Photo courtesy of Lifehack.org

Change #1 – Lifestyle

Make new friends. Meet new people. Try new things. Learn something new. Visit new places. The key word: New. The old way is clearly not working for you so why not change things up a little? You can’t wait around for your office mate/colleague/high school crush/college classmate to one day realize that they’ve fallen in love with you. Sometimes that happens, what if it doesn’t? New experiences, new people open doors that lead to lots of other things. However, never approach these experiences looking for “the one” in mind or you’ll completely miss the point.. not to mention you will reek of desperation.

As the cliche goes, love finds you. However, you can’t expect it to do so when you’re sitting at home doing nothing. My point is, make it easier for love to find you. Put yourself out there, expose yourself! At the very least, you’d make a lot of new friends, have fun memories and learn things about yourself.

Change #2 – Physical

I’m not saying plastic surgery or compromising the real you. No. I am an advocate of staying true to yourself. What I’m saying is, there is nothing wrong with enhancing your assets. When people look at you, what do you think they see? Would you date yourself? Do you think you are doing enough to enhance your good physical attributes? Perception is very important.

Let’s face it, people are visual. We see things we like, we pay attention. We judge things/people by the way they look. Yes it’s absolutely superficial and not the best or most positive habit but it’s reality. However, beautiful people come in all shapes and sizes, you are one of them. But we can’t see it when you are packaged inadequately.

For example, Guys – Wear pants that fit correctly. Stop wearing running shoes with your slacks or Khakis. Buy dress socks. Stop leaving your house looking like your mom dressed you. Wear deodorant and pick a nice cologne. Don’t eat like a slob. Be a gentleman. Don’t slouch. Exude confidence but don’t be cocky.

Risking getting stoned by feminists, here goes:

Girls – Inject feminine elements into your wardrobe or style. Wear flattering clothing that fits your body type.  Wear a bit of makeup (mascara or blush). Learn to be assertive (never timid) yet remain delicate. Let your hair down once in a while. Accessorize. Wear cute shoes (sneakers don’t count.) Get a real bag, don’t wear a backpack(applies to both genders.) Smile more often. Be aware of your facial expressions sometimes you can look mataray without realizing it.

We are all self-conscious about something. If you have skin problems, see a dermatologist. If you have crooked teeth or if you’re conscious of your smile, consult a dentist. There’s nothing wrong with a little improvement and added confidence from addressing our insecurities. Invest in yourself so that others will invest in you too. This can benefit you romantically and professionally.

THIRD – Consult a friend. Consult a stranger or colleague or boss. Warning: this is a painful step, especially if you have a lot of pride. No one likes to hear about their flaws. But it’ll help you get perspective on what other people see in you. Are you perceived as the “nerdy, dorky guy who is always just a friend?” or are you the “girl next door, bestfriend ng lahat parang guy narin” type? Ask a variety of people so you can get an objective opinion. Never ask the question “what is wrong with me” but as the question “what can I do better?”

I hope this helps. Goodluck! Feel free to share your questions/experiences/feedback. Leave comments!